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[13 Oct 2004|11:01pm] |
The debates are many things, not the least of which is...depressing.
One word really stood out tonight, though: "ourself".
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| Love Is A Catastrophe |
[10 Oct 2004|10:13pm] |
It all began on the edge of summer and fall. What a metaphor for me and him. I feel like a tree whose leaves are turning colors and falling off.
I had found love for what felt like always but was only two seconds. California collided with New York, and all those other places in between meshed into a little special thing that the two of us had found.
I always used to be so annoyed with people's relationships. Problems that would arise therein, I would disregard. I would beckon for the break-up--not out loud, to myself of course. If someone did someone wrong, and if it was a major wrong, I could not understand the struggle to "make it work" after the fact of such a betrayal.
But now, I am approaching my 29th year of life. And after realizing I've never had much of anything that could be called a "relationship" before him, I see that those things that damage and wound you do not erase that person, and what they are to you.
I'm fond of saying "easier said than done". And now, in a whole new sense of the expression, I know just how true it is.
I will miss him more than I ever thought I might. I do already. Time heals all wounds but time is also the fire in which we burn.
When you look at me this last time
I won't ask you what you see.
But when I look at you
I see what could have been
but was never meant to be.
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[10 Oct 2004|07:00pm] |
The kid has gone back to L.A.
We spent some time together yesterday, our last. Time may heal all wounds but time is also the fire in which we burn.
We had makeup sex and goodbye sex in one.
I did love him. I learned a lot in my experience with him though, and learning is not always fun.
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| Been a while since I've done one... |
[07 Oct 2004|11:18am] |
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The Stroll-o-Matic word of the day is: paean.
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| Sometimes... |
[06 Oct 2004|04:21pm] |
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I feel like I've ruined my life.
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[28 Sep 2004|06:01pm] |
Meow Kitty has brought to our attention that we have a rodent situation on our hands.
Now I know when you people have read about roaches in the past you must think that I live in filth. While Cousin Lito is not exactly the best cleaner-upper-after-himself in the kitchen, and while I myself am not going to win Housekeeper of the Year award in this decade, we are not, in fact, living in filth. We are not nasty. By New York standards, we are immaculate. The City--what can I tell you--is just dirty. The buildings are old. There are holes and pipes and insulation problems. Shit happens.
I have had a love-hate relationship with Ms. Kitty since the beginning, but always more love and pity than outright hatred. She understands my rules and I understand hers, though we both walk a tight rope in regards to them. Well, anyway, night before last when I came home from studying, I went into the dark kitchen and saw something on the floor. My eyes focused in the darkness and what I thought was a piece of food Lito had dropped turned out to be A FUCKING DEAD MOUSE. I turned to face Meow Kitty who was looking up at me, eager to know my response. I was revolted, terrified, and filled with a new kind of anxiety I have never experienced, but the love in my heart for her overflowed. She had been the valient warrior in defense of our kitchen and our home against the enemies that lurk unseen.
Since then she has been sitting still in the kitchen in regular cat pose. She NEVER sits in the kitchen and she NEVER sits in regular cat-pose (she's usually all falled out dead-like on the sofa). I told Lito she was being all wierd and he said she was keeping watch since what will heretofore be called "The Incident About Which None Shall Speak".
This morning I awoke, and as usual poked my head in on Lito as I was getting ready to leave. We smoked a cig together and he gently told me: "I'm afraid that Satan has sent another minion to compromise the sanctity of our home."
Meow Kitty, I was told, had left another Incident on the kitchen floor and Lito had stepped on it.
Two in two days...we are resorting to drastic measures. Meanwhile, Kitty patrols.
In other news, I have class in 20 minutes and I'm so jacked up on coffee and Adarol I don't know how I'm going to sit through 2 hours of talk about John Stuart Mill. Next week my paper on Isaiah Berlin is due and I'm not ready to deal with writing it at all. Help.
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| Something wrong with my Blurty? |
[28 Sep 2004|09:13am] |
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Snow, I was looking to make some neglected comments, particularly on history books...but it appears all your entries have disappeared. Please advise.
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[28 Sep 2004|08:59am] |
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Well. So much for celibacy.
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| Wierdest Email Ever |
[25 Sep 2004|09:27pm] |
This is spam I just got:
"Your support and suggestions will lead to respect from others. Float a theory among people that love to think. Turning big ideas into hard reality is a real team effort. A bit of drama is kind of fun -- sometimes. You might find yourself walking side by side with someone completely unexpected -- maybe you have more in common than you realize.
A clever replica can fool most people -- it takes a trained eye to see the fine details that may be lacking. You will have some big ideas Congratulations: You just talked yourself into a bigger slice of the pie. You are more articulate now than ever before.
A clever replica can fool most people -- it takes a trained eye to see the fine details that may be lacking. Clarity is a fleeting thing Take steps to discard the old and embrace the new. Compromise is inevitable -- learn from the act of mixing
Stay on top of your game. Be careful and plan for the worst. Clear your throat and prepare to walk tall. Quick thinking gets you out of a tough spot. The effects of a mutual display of affection will be long-lasting Your creativity is endless.cGltcGluZGVlemhvZXNAeWFob28uY29t "
WTF?
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[22 Sep 2004|04:04pm] |
al;dkjfals;jkf
by Stroll
When you stumbled upon me
I was laying down cold.
You didn’t know I was rotten.
You didn’t know I was old.
You popped a certain lock
and expected finer things.
But with a heart torn out
what good can money bring?
I had to give you something.
I couldn’t make you bloom.
I had to leave a note at night
so you’d know that I was doomed.
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[20 Sep 2004|09:16am] |
"No, I will never tell you what I know. Now, it is my misery; then, it would be yours." --Tiresus, Oedipus Rex
The Reason
by Stroll
You ask me What is the reason?
The question would be easy
if it were about evil and God,
or the reason for life and death.
Ask me the reason for flavors and money,
or the reasons for biological disparity.
Ask me about technology, or social science.
Ask me Why are we here?
But when you ask
why I cannot give
what you want from me,
what I want you to have
more than you want it,
I can not say those words,
that I would rather die
than speak of curses and secrets.
There are organs
that play outside of myself.
There are scrabble letters
that spell nothing.
If you go away
I'll remember the fires
with ashes.
I'll take my coat and hat
and go back into
where I was before,
that place
that should have never changed.
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[19 Sep 2004|01:08pm] |
Kant talks about how when we witness autonomous, rational adults behaving in certain ways we should give them the benefit of the doubt, so to speak, that they have worked out their maxim and are acting morally correct. Well the more I read Kant the more I see that he was a genius and a pioneer in the field, but still really, really wrong about a lot of things.
Kant also talks about the proverbial big table in the woods, where, were we all to sit down for a bite to eat, no one would feel that he deserves less than any other person, and therefore, the right thing to do is to not eat more than your fair share. Well, I know from personal experience that there are people, who in the feast of life feel that they deserve less than others. And there are definitely people who feel they deserve more.
This is the story of my life.
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[14 Sep 2004|04:11pm] |
Note To Bosses Everywhere
When one of your employees takes it upon himself to resolve an issue that a constituent has, that did not begin with said employee, and has a long line of people who repeatedly demonstrate that they do not understand how to do their jobs that caused the problem in the first place, please do not yell at the employee who went above-and-beyond his own work to RESOLVE the issue, AFTER he has fixed it.
It just makes no fuckings sense.
Yours,
Stroll
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[13 Sep 2004|02:59am] |
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There are helicopters with spotlights flying around the neighborhood tonight, which is always kind of unsettling.
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[11 Sep 2004|11:52am] |
I'm very into this new little guy that I've been seeing. I like him a lot. I wonder why he likes me though? I usually think I'm pretty unlikeable, in the romantic sense at least, and especially after Operation Stroll Tries To Destroy Himself 2004, which was almost successful just a few days before I met him.
Anyway, we're going on a little trip downtown today. I'm going to try to stalk, er, photograph some of the celebs down there for Fashion Week. I wish I had a t-shirt that says "Fashion Weak" to wear down there. That, or, "You're wearing that?" Just to work some nerves.
In other news, at work I have a new cubicle. It's HUGE, bigger than most offices, but the thing is, it's open on both sides, and so I feel very, very exposed.
Yesterday I pissed this girl off that I work with--I feel really bad about it--because she has a massive head of hair and I could not stop putting pens and various other office supplies in it. She eventually flipped. But it was only because it is SUCH an amazing head of hair. It baffles me.
More later...time to wash my stank self.
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[31 Aug 2004|02:00pm] |
Last night I got on the bus from the airport and as soon as we got going the driver laid on his horn for a solid minute, at least to fully emphasize his pissed-offedness at another driver. Welcome back to NY, I thought.
Here's what I want to do. I want to move to Florida. But I am in a two year lease. And I have school here. So, the thing is, it would take me that long to get shit together for such a move. Plus, I can see if I feel the same way in two years and have enough time to fully get the desire to be in NY out of my system.
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[26 Aug 2004|04:00pm] |
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These days I feel like I'm on the verge of giving up on trying to function like a normal member of society. I just can't do it anymore. I'm a wreck of humanity: physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Things lately have culminated to the point where I feel like I'm losing my mind. I need an epiphany, or at least an effing change.
 In news of the "wild hair" variety, tomorrow I'm going to Orlando until the 30th. I will return at a time during which the Republican National Convention will be in town, and between them and the protestors, it's going to be fucking chaos. That also will happen to be my first day back to school and as luck would have it, school is right in the middle of the whole mess.
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